Inferno - Dan Brown

“One should never mix Dan Brown with Paul Michael, thought Robert Langdon as he sat in the wing backed leather chair wearing his [insert entire wardrobe in explicit detail here].”

I listened to the audiobook version. It was not my choice. Torture if you ask me. What a grim way to drive through the French countryside; a story so dull everybody in the car fell asleep, including the driver (I’m not even joking).

Let me start by saying that I didn’t mind The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons when I was younger. Yes they were silly, but they rattled along and were fine for the airport.

How times change.

I’ve never been to Florence. I don’t know much about it either. But what I don’t want is a book that is basically a rubbish guided tour where the guide is so inept that they miss out all of the crucial parts that you want to know and go into overwhelming detail that no one gives a toss about instead. In a fiction book this is filler of the worst kind.

The dialogue is awful, the story beyond bad. It makes Tromeo and Juliet look like a masterpiece. And don’t get me started on the characters. A child prodigy and genius who doesn’t even know what a death mask is? We learnt about the plague in year 5, cretin.

And as the pseudo profound statements (“one should never mix Bombay Sapphire with Gogol"), do you think Brown’s editor feels dirty as they wade through this mountain of crap?

On top of this with Michael reading you get double-teamed. There is no suspense, no excitement, nothing. He is monotone and devoid of any personality. The only bit the car enjoyed was his atrocious attempt to do an English accent. Apples and pears, guvnor.

I have nothing to recommend and I could go on being negative. But I wasted 17 hours of my life listening to this and to spend any more time reflecting on it would be criminal.

Just don't bother.